Diet Fail

I'm really bad with diets. Really. Bad. Like... I can't recall a diet that I've ever been successful with. Not because my memory is poor but because, literally, I don't think I've had a diet last more than a week. Wait, I take that back... there was one semi-diet that worked but... if I'm honest with myself it wasn't really a diet. I gave up soda for a year and was successful... but I think most people would agree in that it wasn't a diet.

So... here I am, 10 lbs away from losing all the baby weight and at the start of a new diet. A diet that I've already failed at. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I found a diet that I thought I could do and started it on Monday. Well, I planned to start it on Monday. However, when I woke up Monday morning I didn't have the stuff to start the diet and had to get to the store but I wasn't able to get to the store until later in the afternoon and let's face it... if you can't do a diet in the morning there's no point in doing it later that day.

So Tuesday, new start, yes? No? Well, kind of. Fruit is not on the diet. It's a low carb/low fat/ high protein diet so I can eat greek yogurt, egg whites, black beans, pinto beans, lentils and vegetables (minus potatoes). So no bread, sweets or fruit. No fruit? INSANITY! So, I figured that I would "cheat" and have a pear. I told myself it wasn't really cheating since it's fruit and fruits natural and good for you. Then I looked up carb content of pears. Boo. BOOOOO. Booooooooooooooo....

Now Wednesday rolls around and I'm determined to be good. And I was pretty good... until I ate a piece of by bread. Why did I eat bread? I'm weak and I hate myself for it but it was tempting me on top of the fridge. It called to me saying "Victoria! Eat me! Roll me up into little balls and eat me under the guise of feeding it to your child but for every one you give him you eat 10." See what diets do to me? They make food talk to me.

Thursday started and I really wasn't even pretending at this point to want to diet but I stepped on the scale and thought, "I can do this!" And for 10 minutes I really thought I could and then my children both woke up with fevers of  101 and I laughed while I ate my cereal and eyed Sawyer's starbursts.

Friday Sawyer and Beckham both still have fevers and are short on their tempers and I feel a tickle in the back of my throat as I feel the cold spreading it's cold tentacles to me. Diet? No, I've moved on from Sawyer's starburts to his popsicles in the freezer.

Saturday, not only have I depleted all of Sawyer's potty treats but the kids are still sick and Beckham is now coughing like a 72 year old man. So do you want to know what I did? I pushed all of my diet food to the back of the cabinets/fridge/freezer and replaced them with starbursts, popsicles, ice cream, pop, frito chips, bean dip and chocolate graham crackers. Diet fail.

So here I am, Sunday, my kids fevers are gone, I'm feeling semi-better and most of my Saturday binge treats are gone and with a new resolve to do this diet starting tomorrow.

I should be able to do this. I know if I did it for a solid 4 weeks I would be good. So we will see. But if I never post again... know that I failed.

Away with the Diapers!

Potty training. That deserves the ultimate sigh.

I determined it was time. Sawyer is 2 1/2 and I've been ready for 2 years for him to be potty trained. I actually bought a toilet seat for him a couple months ago and tried but he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it. Plus, I was only giving him a couple skittles when he did it and I think he determined it wasn't worth it for that. Now I have a "treat" bowl full of fun size snickers, milky ways, dum-dums, hershey kisses and life savers. Whenever he goes he gets to choose which one. He seems much more excited by this.

In fact, the pee side of things has worked out pretty well. We've been doing it for about a week now and half the time he goes in by himself and the other half I remind him it's time to go. The only problem is that throughout the day he decides it's time for a treat and runs to the bathroom and squeezes out a few drops and thinks that is treat-worthy. No, it's not. It was cute at first and now it's just annoying. Especially because he thinks I need to drop everything I'm doing so I can see him get two drops.

No, that side is working out great. It's the other side of the business that isn't going so well. Sawyer does "his business" pretty early in the morning. Either before he wakes up or right after. So if it's before he wakes up then it's just tough cookies on my part. If he hasn't and I try to get him to go it's like pulling teeth. One thing Sawyer has been consistent on is waking up pretty grouchy, or waking up happy with the potential to go grouchy in 1 second flat. So, we're still working on it.

I was happy to continue with things as they were but this morning made me change my mind. I thought I was going to catch it this morning, you know... before he did his business. I put him in his training pants and we were all set to go. I was asking if he needed to go every 5 minutes and then he decided that inbetween those 5 minutes he was going to get busy.... REALLY busy. Disgustingly busy.

Now I'm stuck with these dirty training pants and what to do with them. I was really tempted to throw them away but then that leaves me with less of a supply. But where to wash them? I remember what my mother told me... in the toilet. So now, I'm standing in front of the toilet, holding dirty underwear, looking at the toilet and trying not to gag.

You think I'm gagging because of the underwear? No. Poop doesn't disgust me.... well, at least not to the point that I gag. It's the toilet. Toilets are gross. Is that weird that they disgust me that much? Especially toilet water. The thought of having to rinse this underwear in the water makes me want to cry. I did it, i'm not happy about it but I did it. Yes, I'm alive although it was questionable at points if I was going to make it. But I feel tainted. Like... will I ever fully recover from this? Time will only tell.

So now I'm determined to never have to go through that experience again. Tomorrow, if Sawyer wakes up and hasn't done his business I am going to sit him on the toilet and he isn't getting off until he's done. Be it 5 minutes or an hour, I am determined. Well, determined until Beckham wakes up... then I'll probably slack off.

Oh yeah, I have a blog.

So last time I posted was right around Thanksgiving. So that means I've missed a few critical posts about the holidays. No worries, I will post a super extra long post about all the fun you missed. Ready? Big breath............ stuff happened. Ba ba bum!!!!! Pretty amazing, yes? You wanted more? No? Oh good, I'm too tired to remember what happened past yesterday.

Tired... that's my new existence. I've never been so tired in my life as I have been for the past 3 weeks. Beckham decided sleeping wasn't his thing. No joke, he wakes up 4-5 times a night. That means he wakes up every 1 to 2 hours. Yes, that's right. Want to know what it's like to watch yourself going crazy? Try this sleeping schedule and you'll find out real quick.

Oh, let's also include that he's trying REALLY hard to not take naps.

I know people - that includes doctors, blogs, medical websites, your sister, your friends, your mother - all tell you that it all passes in time but in the moment it's much easier to contemplate what life was like before you had kids. It's hard since for over two years now my life has, literally, revolved around raising my children. I know I used to go to movies past 7 o'clock but it's hard to understand why.

I used to only know one or two shows on the Disney channel but now I not only know every show I also know what time they come on, what order and when the specials will be on so that I can DVR them for later.

Before children I could leave the house before 8 o'clock and it was no big thing. Now, if anyone asks me if I can be somewhere before 11 I think they must be insane. Let's not mention that to actually leave my house now it takes at least 30 minutes to pack up my kids and get them in the car.

Making dinner used to be easy.

I used to have single friends but half of them left when I got married and the rest ran away when I had a kid. Not that I'm really lamenting the loss of not having single friends... drama tends to follow them a bit more. I like to get my drama from Project Runway, thank-you very much.

I used to be able to read books. Now I only read books that involve bears and big red dogs.

But most of all, I used to think I could have 6 children <insert maniacal laughter> Yeah... let's rethink that one.